


On Jingyeom's Complicated Relationship

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Out of Character, Romance, Swearing, collection of unrelated stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 07:53:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15166076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: This is a collection of unrelated Jingyeom stories. Different themes, universes etc. It's a good idea to read the beginning notes.-Story 1: Jackson's Totally Crazy Hypothesis (5 Parts, Jackson+Yugyeom POV)-Story 2: Hate Me, I Still Love You (One-shot, Yugyeom POV)-Story 3: Delight in Dancing (Greek myths AU, One-shot, Yugyeom POV)





	1. Jackson's Totally Crazy Hypothesis (Story 1, Part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> I recently had an epiphany - Jingyeom (I know... I know...) I just never noticed before and it hit me like truck one day. How was I so blind I don't know either. If they're not in love... (some kind of love at least) ...I don't want to know what love is. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you like it. I'm actually currently writing a long Jingyeom (it's 25,000 words so far!) and I don't know when I will finish it but I will so, if you want to read a freaking book but about sweet, falling in love Jingyeom one day - it will be here at some point.

Two familiar voices fill the heavy silence in the slightly chilly room. One low and smooth; the other slightly higher, very distinctive.

Jackson should be sleeping. He is in a comfortable position, tired eyes finally allowed to rest, closed. He should block out the voices in the background and get the needed energy before the fan meeting rehearsal, before the upcoming concert. It wouldn’t be that difficult to fall asleep now; to let the soothing voices of his members, his closest friends, to lull him into slumber. The frequencies he got so used to after all those years.

Yet he chooses to stay conscious. Those moments to just think like this, to organise something in his head for once are so rare. Usually, if he has such time he just sleeps but this is the perfect chance to go over some things that he recently thinks a lot about. They are trivial thoughts really in the perspective of things. They don’t even concern him personally but he just wonders sometimes, maybe uselessly but he still does.

The thing is, not many people would have considered Jackson as the observant type. The one who notices things and keeps them in a corner of his mind to review later. That description fits Mark or Jinyoung better, which is why he never shared this with anyone. He kept that little habit, little piece of himself secret. The thing is, he likes to observe people sometimes.

He is an extrovert, that is no secret. What comes with that is the need and longing to be with others, to interact with them but one other thing he loves is to watch others interact as much as he loves to be the one interacting. Against the popular opinion – he doesn’t always need to be the centre of attention, even though he can’t deny he enjoys it.

Yet, those rare times when he stays silent among the noise of other people around him is always either because he is tired, upset, jealous or secretly observing and analysing.

So, as soon as those two voices appeared, he stayed still, eyes closed but he knew he won’t go to sleep. The words Jinyoung and Yugyeom speak at the beginning are careful; a warning to those who might not be asleep yet: the word _V Live_ is grandly announced. A hidden message of: _don’t say or do something you’re not supposed to – we’re live now._ Truth is they are rubbish at that. They always do something inappropriate on those live shows anyway – accidentally or on purpose alike.

They were rubbish at following rules from the very beginning. Well, maybe except Jinyoung who almost always seemed so on guard, they were rubbish at keeping their image, at sticking to the idol etiquette. Jackson couldn’t lie that he was often the one guilty but that’s just how he’s always been. Korea is so different to his home; here, there are too many rules and it’s hard enough to follow the main ones, so he just let go sometimes. In his opinion there is nothing that can’t be fixed with an embarrassed laugh or a sincere apology. That strategy has saved him many times before.

Maybe it’s the clash of cultures – born in China, now living in Korea. Or maybe that’s just who he is. Some love him for it, others hate but he doesn’t plan on changing himself anytime soon.

Their voices fit together almost too well, Jackson thinks. It’s unfair almost. They often sing together or one after the other in their songs – that is not a secret. This is because when they mix, they create something addictive; you just keep coming for more. It’s not forced, flows well, it just works. Even now, it’s so relaxing to just listen to them two speak, if not for Jackson’s strong will, he will be falling asleep easily by now.

There is quite an age gap between them. It may not seem so personally to him but he’s lived in Korea long enough to know how people here see it. So, a pretty big age gap but they play around so much. Yugyeom brings out the playful side from Jinyoung and Jinyoung seems like a safe space for Yugyeom to express the playfulness that seems to overflow sometimes. It’s different from the relationship the maknae has with BamBam and it’s different from the way the others make Jinyoung laugh and play around.

It took time to notice the subtle differences. They seem more obvious now when Jackson took the time and finally (kind of) figured it out but if he weren’t looking for it, he would too think they’re just close friends, brothers who like to annoy each other. And while all of this is still true, there is one more small detail that might escape someone who doesn’t pay enough attention.

Jinyoung needs Yugyeom’s attention to be the best version of himself. Not desperately, he doesn’t need it to live. He doesn’t need it all the time either but without it for too long, he withers. The way a plant needs sunlight, he needs Yugyeom’s gaze on him like a spotlight; the way a plant needs water, he needs those compliments – _Hyung, you did so well._ He would never admit it but at those soft words, he stands a bit taller and seems a bit stronger.

And Yugyeom? Yugyeom is harder to read, especially now when he’s changing, maturing. Sometimes it seems he treats Jinyoung just like any of the others but sometimes the way his eyes stop at the older and stay on him for so long… Jackson wishes then he could really read his mind. Not to invade his privacy and use it against him but just to make sure his suspicions are correct. That it’s not that crazy or stupid in the end. Just to confirm Jackson’s small, amateurish hypothesis that like a shadow, where Jinyoung goes Yugyeom follows. Like two magnets – fine at a distance, don’t need to always be attached at the hip but when close, it seems something is pulling them in even closer.

Yugyeom is harder to figure out while Jinyoung is more see-through. Jackson isn’t entirely sure of Yugyeom’s side of this all but of Jinyoung’s behaviour he’s almost sure. He wouldn’t be if not for certain quite convenient circumstances. Not long ago, there was a party. Usually, everyone would drink a lot while Jinyoung stayed mostly sober, tipsy at best but this time, it seemed almost the opposite. Jackson was only tipsy, not at all near enough to call it drunk while everyone else had the usual amount including Jinyoung. In fact, as soon as he joined Jackson in the corner of the room, the Chinese could tell he was way past his usual amount. He was swaying and the contents of the glass in his hand were dangerously close to spilling on his pristine black shirt.

_They stood together for some time watching the others play around across the room. Currently, Youngjae’s melodic laughter could be heard from a long distance and next to him stood JB as usual, with an arm outstretched protectively behind the vocalist’s lower back - not actually touching him yet; just a strong arm ever ready to catch him in case the younger falls. Mark by the bar downing another shot; it was surprising every time to see how much the American could drink before getting drunk. Then finally, on the dancefloor - the maknaes. Dancing silly choreographies to the music. A strange, drunken mix of what Jackson could recognise as broken bits of their own song routines and some popular girl group dances._

_Jackson glanced at the boy beside him, knowing Jinyoung and Yugyeom fought yesterday. He didn’t know what about it was this time but they were unusually silent before the party. Jackson asked JB about it earlier and it seemed it was just a trivial fight between them about something really stupid. At least, that’s how JB who heard it all, has put it. Yet when Jackson focused on Jinyoung, the black-haired man’s gaze was already fixed on the youngest. It seemed there was fire in his eyes but it didn’t burn with hate or even annoyance. The sober, observant Jackson knew that for sure._

_‘You two haven’t made up yet?’ He tried to sound drunker than he was not to raise Jinyoung’s suspicions. Maybe Jackson could get some answers to his recent thoughts tonight._

_Jinyoung was too drunk to notice such subtleties though. Without hesitation he shook his head. ‘I don’t want to ever make up again.’ He added coldly but Jackson knew he didn’t mean it._

_‘You’re that mad at him?’_

_‘You have no idea. Sometimes, I just… I wanna…’ He stopped then. Took along sip. Gripped the glass tight._

_So, maybe Jackson was wrong. Maybe it was hatred or anger in those eyes in the end. Maybe he got the whole thing wrong._

_Jackson opened his mouth to reply something but Jinyoung wasn’t finished it seemed. ‘He teases and annoys me on and off camera. Sometimes it feels like he does that on purpose. As if he’s testing me… as if he really wants me to push him up against the wall and shut him up myself.’_

_That made Jackson almost choke on his beer. The music was loud but he’s heard every single word and he didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t direct but the implications of the sentences were clear… Thankfully, the other was not looking at Jackson then, so he didn’t see his surprised expression. And to save him from having to reply, Mark came up to them with three glasses of vodka._

_‘You guys look like you could use something stronger.’ He smiles a bit too wide, eyes shining and white, pearly teeth gleaming in the lights._

_‘Thanks, hyung.’ Jinyoung grabbed one glass without hesitation and downed it fast. Jackson noticed something strange then – Mark looked curiously at Jinyoung, smiling mysteriously at him, not blinking even once – but it was just a fleeting moment and he was probably exaggerating things in his head._

_‘Jackson?’ Mark held one glass out to him but he shook his head._

_‘Thanks, but I still have my beer.’ He held up the bottle and took a swig of the bitter drink for emphasis._

_‘I’ll take it then.’ He heard Jinyoung say._

_He began to worry for the younger then. ‘Hey, maybe that’s not such a good idea, Jinyoungie…’ but it was too late._

_Eyes fixed on a certain tall member still moving around on the dancefloor, he drank the second shot just like the first one, then rested his back and head tiredly on the wall behind him._

_Jackson was about to ask the eldest if they shouldn’t take the vocalist to his room before he passes out but Mark was already setting the last glass he was holding on the near table and standing next to the boy._

_‘C’mon, let’s get you to your room.’ He put his arms around Jinyoung’s waist._

_‘Don’t wanna go… I wanna tell him… I don’t care anymore…’ Jinyoung mumbled but Mark just pushed his head to rest on his own shoulder and hooked Jinyoung’s arm around his own neck. The other was too drunk and lightheaded to resist and let Mark guide him to the exist._

_‘Should I go with you two, hyung?’ Jackson asked, getting ready to help._

_‘No. I will manage on my own. Stay here and have fun, it’s still early.’ Mark assured him immediately. Too quickly it seemed._

_Jackson stood there, slightly confused. He became even more so when instead of the nearest exit on the left side, Mark dragged the drunk boy across the room to the door on the other side, passing by Yugyeom who was talking to some people near the bar. The main dancer paused his conversation at once noticing them and looked with an unreadable expression at them until they disappear at the door._

_Jackson’s thoughts went wild and he didn’t know what to think anymore. It was too much at once – too much that he didn’t know how to exactly interpret and he hated not knowing. He hated when something was unclear._

_Without thinking he grabbed the glass from the table and swallowed down the burning liquid, hoping the alcohol would supress his overactive mind. He didn’t want to analyse this all right now. He needed time. Another time to think will come again, he knew._

Time like now but the problem is that he’s still a bit confused. Jinyoung was drunk but they say alcohol is a truth-telling potion, right? What was going on in Yugyeom’s mind when he saw the older two like that? And what was Mark’s strange behaviour about?

There are so many questions to answer but Jackson’s mind is not strong enough to fight the soft voices in the background anymore. He’s floating away from consciousness. Before he’s gone completely he thinks he can hear Jinyoung singing a Pharrell Williams song but he’s not sure.

His hypothesis will have to wait yet for another time.

 


	2. Jackson's (Maybe Not So) Totally Crazy Hypothesis (Story 1, Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it was meant to be just one shot but seems you and I both need it to continue, so 2 or 3 more parts to go. (In this they're back from the concert and in Korea doing activities; also their living arrangement is like it was before, sorry it's not canon but it was easier to write like this). Written in Italics - past events.  
> Enjoy! x

 

They’re back to normal now. During the V Live and now they’re acting comfortably like usual because Jinyoung really did not mean it when he said he never wants to make up with Yugyeom again. They always come back to each other in the end; can’t stay away for too long.

However, the first few days after the party were weird to say the least.

_After Mark and Jinyoung disappeared, Jackson didn’t drink anymore but he decided to just let go of his thoughts and have fun at the party. He didn’t notice when Yugyeom disappeared until he’s retuned maybe fifteen minutes later. Jackson found out from Mark later that the youngest came to Jinyoung’s room, worried about his drunk hyung._

_That’s what Mark said – he came to ask if Jinyoung was okay and if he could help with anything but Mark assured him he can take care of the younger himself, so Yugyeom returned to the party._

_Few days late, Jackson went to interrogate the maknae. He felt weird approaching the boy with those intentions but he really wanted to know Yugyeom’s side in all this. Jackson felt like a detective. It was funny how what started as a little hypothesis – silly, small thing in his mind. He never expected to get this into it, he didn’t intend it but it pulled him in somehow. Maybe he was too curious for his own good and probably in reality there was nothing but he just felt that he needed to make sure. To get some closure._

_Sometimes, he felt guilty that perhaps he’s intruding into others’ lives too much; they all had so little privacy anyway because of their job, they had the right to keep their feelings to themselves but no matter how hard Jackson tried, his eyes would shift to the duo in question more often than not._

_So, he went to Yugyeom to ask about it. He made up a little lie in his head – a white lie, he thought in his head to make himself feel better about it._

_‘Ah, you left the party yesterday at the worst moment, Yugyeom-ah.’ Jackson began, looking away for a moment from his phone to the younger boy._

_‘Really? What happened?’_

_‘Um…’ Jackson was never the best liar. ‘JB slipped and nearly fell to the floor.’_

_Yugyeom only looked at him with raised brows. It was clear he was expecting something better than that but Jackson just laughed and hit his shoulder and continued quickly. ‘You should have seen it.’ He laughed again for emphasis. The Chinese really hoped the maknae won’t ask their leader about it later. ‘Where did you even disappear?’ Now their conversation was really starting._

_‘I went to see if the hyungs were okay. It seemed Jinyoung-hyung was really out of it.’ He admitted reaching for his chocolate milkshake._

_‘Ah, he drunk so much last night. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.’ Jackson paused for two seconds. ‘Was he feeling any better once Mark-hyung put him to bed?’ He asked casually._

_‘I don’t know but I don’t think so. He was mumbling drunkenly and lying flat on the bed, I could see from the entrance but Mark-hyung wouldn’t let me even come into the room, saying he will look after him and I should go back to the party.’_

_Huh, weird. Mark continued to behave suspiciously. What is going on between them two?_

_‘Wouldn’t even let you into the room?’ Jackson prompted further._

_‘Yeah, it was kind of weird actually. I just wanted to help, I didn’t really feel like going back to the party anyway.’ Yugyeom explained, taking out his phone when it rung signalising a new message._

_‘Hm…’ Jackson hesitated. ‘Maybe it’s because you two fought earlier. Maybe Mark thought intoxicated Jinyoung has the capability to actually kill you this time.’ Jackson joked to lighten the mood and seem his natural self._

_Yugyeom smiled a little at the mention of the old, ongoing joke. ‘Maybe.’ The youngest seemed to think for a moment. ‘I don’t even know why he got so mad in the first place. True, maybe I teased him a bit too much that time, maybe I took it a bit far but it’s nothing unusual for us.’ He wondered out loud with narrowed eyes, looking into the distance._

_Jackson pondered the new information. Everything he stored carefully for later. ‘Don’t worry, he’ll come around. You know he can never stay mad for too long.’ Yugyeom nodded in agreement. ‘Did you apologize yet?’_

_‘No. He hasn’t left his room since last night.’_

_‘Ah… right. He probably needs to sleep it off. I’ve never seen him so drunk.’_

_Yugyeom nodded again and opened a game app on his phone. Jackson knew then the conversation was over. If he pushed anymore the maknae will suspect something. He got up and went to his own room. The information was nothing that new. Mark was still being strange, Yugyeom was being his caring and worried for others self but what was new was that Mark didn’t let the youngest anywhere near the drunk Jinyoung._

_Yet the key information was still what he reviewed two days ago – the events that took place during the party._

_It was hard to arrange everything into one piece. He had a lot of information but it didn’t quite fit yet. Jackson was looking for more but it was difficult when the two were normal again. They made up shortly after Jinyoung has finally got enough sleep, water, food and pain-killers. After what he’s described as one of the biggest mistakes of his life._

_Jinyoung stood up in the middle of the living room that evening, hair messy and soft, fresh from his shower and announced to everyone that someone in this team should always make sure he doesn’t drink ever again. He said it sarcastically, jokingly mostly, rubbing at his temples but still with a hint of seriousness. Everyone looked up at him from the movie they were watching, asking if he’s okay._

_Surprisingly, Yugyeom raised his hand up. ‘I swear I won’t let vodka anywhere near you again, hyung.’ He spoke softly._

_It was before they made up, Jackson assumed but Jinyoung only nodded and replied equally softly. ‘Thanks, Gyeom-ah.’ They shared a long look._

_Everyone went back to watching the film except three people. Jackson was watching Jinyoung whose eyes, on the other hand, still lingered on the back of the youngest’s head who was now back to watching the movie intently. Jackson raised his brows not saying anything but surely Jinyoung just couldn’t stay mad at Yugyeom for too long, right? Sure, there was still some tension between them but it was already dissipating quickly._

_Jackson then locked eyes with Mark who was already staring at the Chinese. He quickly turned his head back to the TV when he noticed Jackson has caught him looking._

_Jackson then made a short list in his head:_

_ Jinyoung might have feelings for Yugyeom but what kind of feelings are they? _

_ Yugyeom surely cares for Jinyoung a lot but does he return any of those (potential) feelings? _

_ Mark plays a role in all this but what is it exactly? Wait. Could Mark also have feelings for Jinyoung?  _

_Jackson wasn’t aware he sat there with his mouth wide open. He wasn’t aware Youngjae sat next to him either until the other spoke._

_‘You okay, hyung?’_

_Jackson almost got startled._

_‘Ah, yeah… just thinking.’ Jackson smiled reassuringly at the vocalist._

_‘What are you thinking so hard about?’_

_‘Just our team. You know I always think about our team and our future.’ It was not really a lie but it was not the truth either. How could he even begin to explain what he has been thinking about?_

_Youngjae just nodded though and didn’t push it any further for which Jackson was very glad._

Maybe the littlest thing can prove useful, Jackson wonders. Everything is back to normal; Jackson’s hypothesis is left somewhat alone. For the past few days all he did for his investigation is look closely at Yugyeom and Jinyoung’s interactions.

He looks at how close they sit right now. He developed the habit to look away sometimes, pretend to be doing something so that his behaviour seems natural. Jackson thinks he can’t be caught, that he’s safe. Nobody knows what’s going on in his head. So, he continues to watch their interactions, when the group is not busy with other things of course – he’s not dedicating all his free time or putting his career in second place for this. That would be insane.

He feels safe with just his little, unlikely suspicions and continues watching secretly sometimes but with each new, uneventful day he begins to believe he was wrong about everything. He starts to believe he made up the whole thing in his head and nothing really is going on between them two. Also, Mark was probably just protective over Jinyoung that time like a hyung should be over a dongsaeng.

As the days go by he begins to accept that he might have to give up his silly investigation, that his instincts or whatever it was that raised those questions and hypothesis in his mind in the first place were simply incorrect.

‘Can we talk for a bit?’ Mark asks one day when they’re in a waiting room preparing for a performance and Jackson nods, slightly confused. Mark doesn’t want to talk in front of the others though.

The American leads the other rapper far away. Since they’re at a busy music station right now, they end up in an empty toilet very far from the waiting room.

‘What’s this about? Did I do something wrong?’ Jackson questions at the serious look on the other’s face.

‘No, it’s not about you. I mean it’s kind of about you…’ Mark takes a long breath while Jackson grows even more confused. ‘Look, I noticed you’re staring at Yugyeom and Jinyoung a lot recently.’ The eldest’s eyes stare intently at the boy in front of him. He bites his lips, not sure how to continue. ‘I’m just gonna ask straightaway – how do you know?’

Jackson leans on the wall behind him; his cheeks start to burn at the unexpected question. Surely, Mark’s not implying what he thinks he does, right?

‘So…’ he begins but the words are not coming to him quickly enough. He takes a moment to think. ‘So, was I right in my suspicions? There is something going on?’

‘Suspicions? You just figured it out on your own?’ Jackson nods. Well, Jinyoung kind of revealed himself a bit at the party which helped but… ‘No, not exactly going on. Not in the sense that you think.’ Mark continues, closing his eyes as if exhausted.

‘What then?’

Mark looks to the floor and switches to English then. ‘Jackson, it’s not my secret to tell, okay? I can’t. I don’t care how you know just… you can’t tell any living soul, you understand?’

Jackson nods at the elder’s serious expression. Mark looks at him for a long moment then turns to leave.

‘Hey! Where are you going? You can’t just tell me this, not explain anything further, tell me to keep a secret and leave! I don’t even know what the whole thing is about!’

The American stops and sighs. Jackson thinks he looks older than he is somehow, burdened. ‘Fine but not here. Later, at the dorms. The maknaes are going out to eat, then I’ll tell you everything. Now, focus, we have a performance to record.’

This time Jackson doesn’t stop him. But in the empty bathroom he feels his heart race in nervousness. He feels kind of lost, like he was left out of something, he feels cheated. Why does Mark know something he doesn’t? Does anyone else besides Mark, Jinyoung and Yugyeom know too?

There was supposed to be no secrets between them from the very beginning until the very end. They promised each other.

Did they break that rule so early on?


	3. Jackson's Questions Are Finally Answered (Story 1, Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here! Thank you for all the amazing comments - I love you all!   
> Enjoy! (this one is a bit shorter but next one will probably be much longer) x

 

In the evening, BamBam, Yugyeom and Youngjae are meant to go out together to eat but in the end Youngjae stays home to watch a film with JB in the living room and only the two youngest go out. Jinyoung didn’t come back with them to the dorms since he still had a schedule until late at night.

After showering and eating, Jackson goes to look for Mark, unable to wait anymore to find out the truth. He is still a bit nervous about what he’ll hear but it seems whatever it is, Mark knew about it for some time now so it can’t be that bad, right? With it or without it, they still did well as Got7 until now.

‘I was looking for you too. Come to Jinyoung’s room, I feel that’s the safest place.’

Jackson follows the oldest without any objections and they lock themselves in the small room, adjacent to the maknaes usually loud room, now silent and empty. They sit on the neatly made dark blue covers on the bed.

‘Jackson, this is serious - I have to say it yet again. You must swear to never tell anyone. I made a promise to Jinyoung and although I’m breaking it now, I thought that since you’ve already kind of known then I guess I have no other choice but to explain. Just… I think it’s better Jinyoung doesn’t know that you know either.’

‘I understand and I promise not to say a word to anyone.’ Jackson swears with his hand on his heart.

‘Jinyoung has feelings for Yugyeom, romantic feelings and he’s had them for a long time now.’ Mark begins suddenly, nervously and the long-awaited truth falls heavily on Jackson’s shoulders – a truth he’s been pursuing, a burden he’ll have to now carry, a secret he’ll try to protect with all his efforts the same way the eldest has been doing until now. ‘They argued before the party and Jinyoung drank more than usual. He was starting to reveal his mind too much, so I had to drag him away, keep him away from Yugyeom. A part of the promise I made was that Yugyeom must never ever find out. No matter what. He cannot suspect anything. He is the main priority.’

A small puzzle fits into just the right place. A piece that was there all this time but Jackson just couldn’t see it. He should be surprised at what he’s hearing but somehow, he isn’t; he’s just happy to finally have it there in the open, revealed, no ambiguities.

So, Jackson was wrong about one thing – it’s not something between them two but it’s one-sided and Yugyeom doesn’t know anything. And Mark made a promise, which explains that the weird behaviour was him keeping that promise to Jinyoung. But…

‘But wasn’t it you hyung, who gave him alcohol at the party in the first place?’

‘Yeah… I… I thought maybe it would be better if he got drunk and just finally confessed.’ Mark shakes his head and sighs. ‘I thought maybe he would finally either get rejected or accepted and his suffering would finally end. I wasn’t sober either and dumb ideas came to my head but when I realised how stupid I’m being, I dragged him away to his room immediately.’

Jackson now begins to understand everything. More and more puzzles start to fit perfectly creating one picture just like they should.

‘How long for exactly he’s been having these feelings?’

Mark looks to the door every now and then as if paranoid about someone walking in on their conversation. ‘Pretty much since debut… but even before that Jinyoung was so protective and fond of him. Yugyeom was so young back then though and there was so much going on during the trainee time. Remember when we were told we will debut, the seven of us?’ Jackson nods. They were beyond happy. It couldn’t be even described in words. ‘But then they said Yugyeom might not debut with us because there are already good enough dancers and enough number of vocalists on the team without him?’

Jackson recalls that time too. ‘We were sad for the youngest and he was devastated too but thankfully they changed back their decision in the end.’ He confirms, recalling the events that are still so clear in his memory.

‘Exactly. Do you know why they suddenly changed their minds? Jinyoung went to the CEO and threatened that if Yugyeom doesn’t debut with them, he won’t either. Nobody knows he did that apart from me and now you.’

Jackson looks at the older with wide eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

‘You know how JB says that only after debut Jinyoung became so serious and everyone says he supresses his emotions constantly? Well, it’s because he knew he can’t reveal his feelings, he knew he had to be always on guard. He surrounded himself with work and practice when he realised he liked the maknae. Yet, he still spent so much time with him and developed a strong friendship but he says those feelings haven’t gone away during all that time even though it’s easier now. Being close to Yugyeom, joking with him and working with him makes Jinyoung so happy despite everything and usually he can forget those feelings temporarily but they often resurface making it so hard.’

‘So, he’s been living with those feelings, suffering for so long?’ Jackson can’t imagine it. If it was him, he wouldn’t be able to stand that even for a month but if there is anyone he can think of who could be that strong – it’s Park Jinyoung.

‘Yeah, until one day, when he kind of broke and came to me telling me all this, crying his heart out. He said he had to tell someone, he couldn’t do it on his own anymore. Since then, we just talk sometimes like this in private and it makes him feel better to share, it lifts some burden off his shoulders. He’s apologized so many times for making me keep a secret from everyone when we promised each other we won’t do it but I’m just glad I can help him even a little bit, you know?’

Jackson’s mind is in overdrive. He wanted to know. He’s been walking around in circles around the truth for so long but now that it’s like this, in the open he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s so much more sad and shocking than he ever thought. ‘Oh, my God… All this time… I can’t even imagine.’

The American shifts on the bed to sit cross-legged opposite the Chinese, he seems a little less tense and nervous now though. He begins talking again. ‘One time, he came to me and said this: “You know, sometimes it’s so hard that I regret going to JYP that night, because maybe without Yugyeom on the team it would be easier but then when today he said he prayed every day to debut with us and how happy he is to be on the team and how he loves us all so much… Later, when I went to my room, I couldn’t stop myself and just cried. I sat on my bed and just cried for the whole evening. How could I ever be so stupid to think it would be better if he wasn’t with us when he’s so happy here? When he’s so happy being able to dance and sing together with us on stage? That was the best decision I’ve made even if it’s hard sometimes to be around him feeling all those useless emotions that I can never express to him.” Then I cried too because it’s just so tragic, you know? Love isn’t fair.’

A long exhale leaves Jackson’s lips at that. He thought all the coldness, sarcasm, seriousness is just a part of Jinyoung’s personality. It’s not like he is always like that anyway – he is so funny, caring and soft as well; he is so attentive to other’s emotions. Only now it becomes clear to Jackson – that seriousness is like a mask; he puts it on when he feels it is necessary. After years of that practice it has become a part of him. Internalised. He feels safer staying quiet sometimes.

‘But what about Yugyeom?’ Jackson questions, raising his voice. They haven’t talked about that yet.

‘He doesn’t know anything about Jinyoung’s feelings and the other is set hard on the decision that the maknae must never find out. I sometimes wonder if there is a chance Yugyeom could feel the same. I watch him sometimes when he’s around Jinyoung, I purposely cling to him to see if Yugyeom would get jealous but he’s so hard to read… I really don’t know.’ Mark pauses and then continues in a softer voice. ‘Knowing how difficult it is for Jinyoung, I just wonder sometimes if there is not a chance they could possibly be together.’

‘Did you say that to Jinyoung?’

‘I did but he refused to even consider. He said there is no way Yugyeom likes him back and even if by some miracle he does, there is no way we could go on as Got7 if they’re together and he firmly ended it at that.’

‘Right. Sounds like him.’ Jackson replies.

Mark nods, playing with the edge of the blue blanket covering the bed.

‘So, what do we do?’ the younger rapper looks at him with expectant eyes.

‘Are you crazy? We don’t do anything! This is serious, Jackson.’ Mark runs a hand through his hair and Jackson shrinks a little in shame. ‘We just keep a secret. God, you shouldn’t even know about this at all!’

‘Okay, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, hyung. I just… I wish there was something we could do. Something to help Jinyoung.’

‘There is nothing.’ Mark states strongly. ‘Jinyoung even thought about leaving Got7 once but he and I both know that wouldn’t be right and he would hurt even more being separated from him. Jinyoung said recently that he’s slowly accepting they’ll never be anything more than friends and believes friendship will be enough for him one day but I know better than to believe him.’

They sit in silence for a long moment, both lost in their thoughts. It really seems nothing more can be said and more importantly nothing more can be done.

It’s a problem that can’t be solved… No, it’s a sin to call it that. Not a problem – just love. Difficult, hopeless, painful love. They sang so many songs about it yet it seems in the end they still know absolutely nothing.


	4. Yugyeom's Biggest Mental Breakdown (Story 1, Part 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm on vacation in the country side and the fact I can even upload this is a miracle. I miss my laptop and fast internet and air conditioning.  
> Anyway, enjoy xx The next part is (probably) the last one.

‘Rock, paper, scissors?’ BamBam suggests when they stand in the middle of the sidewalk, unsure what to do when it turns out neither of them has their wallets.

‘What do you mean “rock, paper, scissors”? You said you’ll pay this time!’ Yugyeom complains.

‘I forgot my wallet, so how can I pay? Besides, I never said I will.’ The older shows off his acting skills, pretending and lying to the maknae’s face, finding the other’s angry expression apparently very funny.

‘You’re a cheat and I hate you.’ Yugyeom sulks, unhappy expression on his face and his stomach rumbling in hunger.

‘I love you too.’ The Thai boy just laughs. ‘Now! Rock, paper, scissors!’ He shouts out of nowhere and Yugyeom barely makes it in time to stick his flat palm out.

The taller looks down at both their hands and of course he’s lost. Why does he always lose at this stupid game? What has he done to deserve it? Why, universe?

‘Aish…’ he turns away to walk back to the dorm to get his damn wallet without even looking at the other. It’s so unfair.

‘Hey, Yugyeom-ah! You should bring your card instead, I feel like eating Korean beef today!’

Yugyeom turns back to look at the boy he’s leaving behind with unimpressed expression. ‘You better feel like eating cup ramyeon, you cheat!’ He shouts back and hears familiar, pearly laughter in the distance.

He walks fast towards the dorms just to get money from his backpack which is in his room; he’s so hungry he can’t help looking at the restaurants he’s passing by, occasionally smelling something delicious coming through an open window.

Finally walking into the apartment, he sees JB and Youngjae on the living room sofa, looking warm and cozy under a blanket, watching a film and enjoying snacks. They raise their eyebrows at Yugyeom but he just sighs in response.

‘Don’t even ask…’ He adds because maybe a sigh is quite expressive of his feelings but maybe not expressive enough. ‘I’m here just for a minute.’ So, they don’t ask, shifting their eyes back to the TV screen.

The tall boy comes into his own and BamBam’s shared room and pulls his black leather wallet out of his backpack. It’s so quiet in the room, in the whole dorm even, he notices. Did Mark and Jackson go out too?

As if to answer his question he hears familiar voices from Jinyoung’s room. Why would they be in there? He decides it doesn’t matter and is about to leave when he suddenly stops. The reason why is because he’s pretty sure he just heard Jinyoung’s name and his own being said in one sentence. It piques his interest and he moves to stand closer to the door. He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop – he’s just making sure he misheard it because why would they talk about them locked away in an empty room?

_“They argued before the party and Jinyoung drank more than usual. He was starting to reveal his mind too much, so I had to drag him away, keep him away from Yugyeom. A part of the promise I made was that Yugyeom must never ever find out. No matter what. He cannot suspect anything. He is the main priority.”_

Yugyeom freezes at Mark’s words. What is this about?

A promise that Mark has made? Something that Yugyeom must never find out about? It’s clear they’re talking about the last party. Yugyeom knows he should leave – this is obviously about something they don’t want him to know about but Jinyoung and Mark’s behaviour was so weird that night and Jinyoung who never drinks much was suddenly completely wasted and Yugyeom is now too curious to leave.

 _“But wasn’t it you hyung, who gave him alcohol at the party in the first place?”_ He hears Jackson ask on the other side of the white wooden door.

 _“Yeah… I… I thought maybe it would be better if he got drunk and just finally confessed.”_ There is a long pause and Yugyeom’s breath gets stuck in his throat. Did he just hear that right? What is this?

_“I thought maybe he would finally either get rejected or accepted and his suffering would finally end. I wasn’t sober either and dumb ideas came to my head but when I realised how stupid I’m being, I dragged him away to his room immediately.”_

Yugyeom leans on the wall behind him when his legs begin to feel like they can’t support his weight anymore. Why is he hearing all this? It can’t be what he thinks it is… Maybe it’s a different type of confession or maybe Mark phrased it awkwardly since Korean is not his native language.

He’s afraid to even breathe normally now in case they hear him, instead taking small, quiet breaths that make him feel like he’s suffocating. It feels like that.

 _“How long for exactly he’s been having these feelings?”_ Jackson’s voice is strangely calm and genuinely curious.

_“Pretty much since debut… but even before that Jinyoung was so protective and fond of him. Yugyeom was so young back then though and there was so much going on during the trainee time. Remember when we were told we will debut, the seven of us?”_

There is so much going on in the maknae’s mind, it feels like he’s imagining hearing those words but it becomes more and more sure what kind of feelings they’re talking about and he almost panics right there, closing his eyes, turning quietly around and putting both hands on the wall in front of him in support. _Since debut… So protective…_ Broken pieces of the conversation keep echoing in his mind.

_“But then they said Yugyeom might not debut with us because there are already good enough dancers and enough number of vocalists on the team without him?”_

Flashbacks flood Yugyeom’s mind. It did hurt so much; back then his heart was beating so fast in fear and dread at the news, almost as much as it is right now. He hears Jackson mentioning how sad they were for him but he’s still stuck on the earlier part of the conversation. _Since debut…_ He tries to go back to those times, in his hazy memories he’s looking for Jinyoung, for the signs he could have missed.

 _“Exactly.”_ He doesn’t have time to wonder too much though. The conversation carries on. _“Do you know why they suddenly changed their minds? Jinyoung went to the CEO and threatened that if Yugyeom doesn’t debut with them, he won’t either. Nobody knows he did that apart from me and now you.”_

There is a strange feeling in his stomach like fear or nerves but it’s not exactly either. He’s not even hungry anymore; still clutching his black leather wallet in one hand so hard it’s almost painful.

He’s in Got7 only because of Jinyoung… The boy feels like the ground beneath him is shaking or maybe he is. He wants to run away but he doesn’t move even an inch.

He keeps listening, faithfully standing by the door, he hears everything but he feels tired and overwhelmed and those words keep flooding in in overwheming waves and he feels like he’s drowning. Taking deeper, quiet breaths he tries to calm himself like he does before going on stage but it only helps a little. Yugyeom briefly wonders if he was blind of if he was stupid not to notice anything before but he also focuses on not panicking any more than he already is, on listening closely.

_“He surrounded himself with work and practice when he realised he liked the maknae.”_

“ _Being close to Yugyeom, joking with him and working with him makes Jinyoung so happy despite everything and usually he can forget those feelings temporarily…”_

_“…until one day, when he kind of broke and came to me telling me all this, crying his heart out.”_

He takes in the words, learns a secret he shouldn’t know but he feels numb, only trusting himself to listen for now, to take in and not think too much, not to analyse until later when he’s safer somewhere else, alone. When he starts to think, he panics, so he tries not to.

 “ _Love isn’t fair.”_

Love. Yugyeom’s heart skips a beat and fear spreads in a hot wave all over his body. Love. Jinyoung loves him? All this feels like a scene from a movie. Except the terrifying truth is – it’s not.

Yugyeom takes a deep, calming breath and starts to move away when it seems the conversation may be over. The sound of his own name from Jackson’s mouth makes him stay in place again. He’s heard so much already but he wants to know everything. He feels like crying and he wants to know everything there is like he’s thirsty for it. He might regret it later but right now he wants it.

He listens to Mark’s soft words. It seems Jinyoung really doesn’t want him to find out and Mark wonders if there is a chance they could be together… Yugyeom knows they’re talking about him, wondering about his feelings but he, himself doesn’t know anything right now either. He can’t answer their questions. He’s never thought about Jinyoung that way…

 It’s all too much. He gets up from the floor; he doesn’t even remember when he sat down, leaning his head on the cold wall behind him. He doesn’t remember why he came into the room until he notices the wallet still in his hand and remembers BamBam still waiting for him on a street outside somewhere.

He should hurry, he wants to walk out of here fast but his legs feel heavy and his mind is full of thoughts that are keeping him still and grounded for a minute like an anchor. In the end, he walks out of the room slowly, feeling lost. He passes by his hyungs on the sofa who are luckily to absorbed in the movie to notice him for which he’s really glad.

The cool air outside makes him feel just a tiny bit better, he thinks maybe he can pretend nothing happened just for a while.

‘What took you so long, man?’ BamBam demands when Yugyeom finally reaches the same place where they separated. ‘I’m starving here.’

‘Good.’ He replies soullessly, unable to bring himself to care too much.

‘Are you okay?’ The Thai boy asks carefully after a while.

‘Yeah, just tired. I can’t believe you made walk all the way here, to the dorm and back again.’ The maknae tries to act normal, he doesn’t want to be talking about what he just heard with his best friend. Not with anyone until he processes it all in his mind somehow first, makes some type of decision.

The other just laughs shortly, unaware of the mental suffering in the other’s mind and leads them to their usual place to eat. Yugyeom eats because he’s still pretending everything is okay even though he’s not hungry anymore. It seems there is a new waitress at the restaurant and BamBam comments how pretty she is, to which Yugyeom nods in reply, putting on a little smile on his lips to satisfy the other. Even though he’s not in the mood right now he can’t deny she’s pretty, sexy even. He finds himself attracted to her too. In other situation he would be even more so.

‘She could be my ideal type.’ BamBam sighs longingly looking after her even though she already disappeared behind the black door leading to the kitchen.

‘Ideal type…’ Yugyeom muses out loud over his bowl of noodles. In an interview he once said he likes all girls and that is true, he realises. Those with long hair and short hair, taller ones and shorter ones, more curvy ones and petite ones, cute ones and smart ones, older ones and younger ones, sarcastic ones and funny ones, shy ones and bold ones. He imagines all those different girls in his mind and he likes all of them equally.

Out of nowhere Jinyoung comes into his mind too. If Jinyoung likes Yugyeom, does that mean Yugyeom is Jinyoung’s ideal type? All those times the older complemented his appearance comes into mind and he feels weird. At that time, he thought the other is always teasing him but realising that all those times it could be sincere is new to the maknae.

He recalls the time Jinyoung said his skin colour is beautiful and the time he said his long eyelashes are charming and even… that one time when BamBam was yet again talking about how long and sexy his legs were and everyone laughed at the Thai. Jinyoung who was sitting next to Yugyeom that time, leaned in slightly and whispered in his ear: “Yours are longer and sexier.”

At that time the maknae just giggled and hit him in the chest, telling him to stop. Now, knowing it might have been how the other vocalist genuinely thought about him makes his cheeks burn and his heart race. He doesn’t know how to feel about it.

He’s unusually quiet on the way home and he knows it; he notices BamBam’s side glances at him but he doesn’t care anymore. When they’re home he’s glad Jinyoung is not back yet from his work.

The youngest tries not to think too much about the way Jackson looks at him either. If he didn’t know the secret he might not even notice anything but right now Jackson’s glances feel like the older is trying to see through him. Yet Yugyeom has no strength to feel any emotions anymore. He’s so tired, so incredibly exhausted. He takes a quick shower and then goes to sleep early.

In the morning he lies awake in his bed for a long time. Past four in the morning, in the deadly silence and darkness of the room Yugyeom realises he doesn’t return Jinyoung’s feelings and he feels empty and really guilty. He feels so bad and wants to go to the older right now, at nearly five in the morning, look into those sleepy beautifully dark eyes he’s known for years and apologize for it all. For everything that is and isn’t his fault equally but he knows he can’t do that.

He decides it’s probably better to give Jinyoung space and maybe that way it’ll be easier for both of them. Yugyeom will have to pretend he doesn’t know anything and they’ll remain as friends.

He sighs in the silent room. The only thing that can be heard is BamBam’s rhythmic breaths from the other bed. Everything is so peaceful except Yugyeom’s own erratic heart and restless mind. It would be better without any of this but he doesn’t blame Jinyoung for his feelings. How could he ever do that? If anything, now that he’s calmed down and kind of accepted it all, he’s just really curious how exactly the other fell in love with him…

Love. There’s that word again and the hot, nervous wave returns and takes over his body. The maknae is so curious though. What’s so special about him? What made Jinyoung like him like that?

Why despite all his confusion and fear he feels so warm inside, so special, so loved? It’s stupid, he knows. The youngest looks towards the door of the older vocalist’s small room, imagining him sleeping peacefully and drifts slowly away himself as birds start to sing outside their window.


	5. Yugyeom's Brave, Irrational Decision (Story 1, Part 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last installment! Finally finished and it's looong but enjoy! xx Tell me what you think about this because I'm honestly not sure what I've done with this story... Also, I'm probably posting another unrelated one-shot here (this time for sure only a one-shot haha) today or tomorrow. Also I have idea for the next 2 stories and they'll be very different to the first 2 posted here. One will involve greek mythology with a twist (anyone loves it as much as me or...?) and another will be also involving a lot of magic and... okay no spoilers! :D
> 
> Enjoy this! xx

 

A few long days pass and Yugyeom sticks to the decision he made. Although he interacts normally with everyone and feels comfortable with them as usual, he keeps a bit more distance with Jinyoung. Even if the other has noticed something, he doesn’t say anything. Yugyeom is still what he would consider “normal” with him but spends more time with the others now when before he used to hang out a lot with the older vocalist in his free time. He realises something very soon though – he misses his hyung.

He can’t help but watch him sometimes too, thinking back to everything he heard Mark and Jackson discuss last week. The maknae just watches him do normal, everyday tasks that he should be so used to seeing but he notices new things that he failed to before. Really tiny things and somehow, he likes noticing them suddenly; like he’s getting to know him more even though by now he should know everything there is to know already.

He watches and wonders and pretends and keeps quiet because Jinyoung is right – they can’t go on as Got7 if the others find out about it or if they’re together. Not that the latter could ever happen since Yugyeom doesn’t feel the same way as Jinyoung... He loves him, but it’s not that kind of love, is it? Not the kind that Jinyoung has towards him, right? As weeks go by and he keeps feeling weird around his hyung, he begins to grow even more confused.

With a crushing fear in his heart, he notices that with time passing by, instead of growing more and more sure that his feelings towards Jinyoung are strictly platonic, he falls into more and more doubts.

It’s strange how they’re sitting in a waiting room, opposite each other, on different sofas when usually they would be right next to each other. Yugyeom wants to move and sit next to the other but he’s scared of saying something wrong and revealing the truth to Jinyoung and getting the whole team in trouble. He can’t help but watch though, maybe for a bit too long.

‘Is there something dirty on my face?’ Jinyoung’s question startles the maknae a bit.

‘No. Not today at least.’ He retorts with a smirk while the other rolls his eyes and goes back to reading his book, focused. He’s especially handsome when he’s so deeply focused on something, Yugyeom realises. He’s so majestic when he’s reading; so beautiful.

The youngest smiles and speaks before he even knows he’s opened his mouth. ‘Today, there is only handsomeness.’

Jinyoung’s eyes snap up from the book to Yugyeom, who sits there a bit frozen, waiting for a response. There is surprise on the elder’s face and suspicion too and slight disgust maybe but that’s not shocking – he’s not the type to like and easily accept this type of sweet words from anyone.

Yugyeom is not finished deciphering all those emotions he sees on his hyung’s face but Jinyoung’s words interrupt him. ‘Please, never say that again.’ And it’s so typically Park Jinyoung that the younger just laughs happily. Still smiling wide he notices something different – yet another emotion that’s new on Jinyoung’s face, that wasn’t there mere seconds ago. He can’t really name it but it’s something between intrigue and fondness and it’s so clear in those eyes looking at him right now and it sends a jolt of electricity to the maknae’s chest.

Yet before he can even wonder what it was or what it could mean Jinyoung goes back to his book and Yugyeom pretends to play on his phone to hide his blush.

However, since then he wonders even more. Maybe it’s a bit dangerous but he tells himself that anyone in his situation would be curious too. And he’s so curious. How would Jinyoung react to other words, how he would react to other actions… What would Jinyoung do if Yugyeom… let’s say, only hypothetically of course… if he sat close and put his arms around the shorter boy for no reason? What if he put his head on the other’s shoulder and leaned in, Yugyeom’s lips, accidently of course, brushing against the other’s neck? Would that make him flustered? Would he push Yugyeom away or would he enjoy it too much to make it stop? Would he run away, or would he give in to his feelings?

He’s curious of the other’s reactions and it’s only natural he reasons, knowing someone likes you and has been hiding it all this time. That’s the only reason Jinyoung is now almost constantly on his mind, he’s sure. No matter how much the maknae tells himself that he can ignore it or forget about what he heard, it still changes things. It’s unavoidable.

Sometimes Yugyeom still can’t quite believe it – all of it, all that he’s heard that one afternoon. Sometimes he still has that one tiny doubt that maybe he’s got it all wrong, maybe it’s a misunderstanding, maybe Mark lied to Jackson that day; all different possibilities swim around in his head but then he knows he’s just being paranoid.

If not for Jinyoung, Yugyeom wouldn’t be in the group now, so Jinyoung is also his guardian angel in a way, silently saving him and looking after him; he’s kept all his feelings hidden for the sake of the whole group too, which shows how mature and responsible he is. Yugyeom sees him in a different light now, maybe not so different because in his mind he’s always put the older under a spotlight but now it’s even brighter. Yugyeom feels so bad sometimes knowing it’s all because of him, that he’s the source of Jinyoung’s pain too but he knows he needs to stay silent. It’s better for everyone involved if it remains that way.

Yugyeom has his mind made up, he tries to convince himself, while at the same time doing the very opposite of what he knows he should do. What he should do is ignore everything and go back to the normal relationship he’s always had with Jinyoung. What he does however is stare at the other, say random cheesy things to see his reaction and keep spending his time thinking about the older vocalist and being continually very confused about the whole situation. He knows he won’t stop his behaviour because it’s been weeks now and if it was going to go back to normal between them it would by now.

Unluckily for the younger, he has good memory and too much curiosity for his own good. That’s how he ends up spending his free afternoon on his bed, headphones in his ears watching fan-made videos of himself and Jinyoung wondering how the camera managed to capture all those long, sweet looks Jinyoung sent him over the years and he failed to notice every single one. Well, he did notice them but never truly thought about what they meant, assuming they were only based on platonic feelings. Or… maybe it’s just the slow-motion effect and romantic music the fan has added to the video that make it seem so exaggerated.

Yugyeom rubs at his eyes tiredly. Who is he trying to fool here? Maybe if he didn’t know the truth he might have believed that the clever editing and taking things out of context to make they seem romantic is why the video is so realistic but now thinking like this seems only bitter and ironic. Jinyoung has always looked at him like that and did nice things for him but Yugyeom was an idiot that hasn’t noticed that they were more than friendly gestures or jokes during all that time.

He automatically clicks on the next suggested video when the previous ends and he doesn’t even mind that some of the clips are the same as before, only the editing and background music has changed. He watches himself and Jinyoung on the screen and it’s like he’s watching actors in a rom-com. He exhales loudly and gets so suddenly frustrated that he’s never seen any of this from this point of view before. Now it’s all so clear that it almost hurts to watch.

He sighs loudly again, then voices a strange, choked up whine out of frustration, forgetting that he’s not alone in the room. BamBam raises his brows at him, looking up from his phone screen.

‘I think I’m going insane, Bam!’ Yugyeom exclaims loudly when he notices the Thai boy’s look.

‘What now?’

It’s silent for a moment in the room when Yugyeom puts his phone away and just looks up at the white ceiling, biting his lower lip, completely dazed. The older of the two gets up after a moment and stands by the other’s bed, eyebrows scrunched up, looking down at the boy in worry.

‘My head feels like it’s going to explode…’

BamBam sits at the edge of the bed and puts his hand on Yugyeom’s forehead. ‘You feel quite hot and look a bit pale. Should I ask JB hyung for some medication…? Maybe you’re catching a cold or something?’

The maknae tries to take even breaths in and out, only understanding some of the words that has left his friend’s mouth. ‘A cold? Medication?’ He closes his eyes. ‘Yes, please. I think that might help.’ He mumbles weakly in response and hears a soft confirmation from the rapper. Soon the cool hand that was actually really soothing on his hot forehead is gone and the door to their room opens and closes quietly.

Whatever medication BamBam will bring him won’t help much with his current problems, Yugyeom knows, because it’s not a cold he’s catching but feelings.

***

Whatever feelings they are, however messy they are, Yugyeom decides it’s not right to keep them to himself. It’s not right that everyone except maybe BamBam, Youngjae and JB are keeping secrets pretty much without anyone else knowing. They’re a team and whatever is between them should be in the open, Yugyeom reckons and immediately he gets so terrified of what the consequences of that will be.

Regardless, he gets up in the middle of the night, too tired to fall asleep and tiptoes towards Jinyoung’s room, knocking almost inaudibly. With shaking heart, he waits for a response and is relieved when he hears the other’s sleepy voice. He opens the door and closes it after himself quickly before he can back out of all this. In the darkness of the room, the older vocalist’s face is illuminated only by the electric blue of his phone. Seeing Yugyeom, he moves to switch on his bedside lamp though, creating more light. It’s still quite dim though, the lamp is small, the light is weak and so the atmosphere itself is making the maknae nervous before he even looks at the older.

‘Why aren’t you asleep? It’s late.’

‘You aren’t asleep either, hyung.’ Yugyeom finally looks up at him properly and he looks so soft in his bed, in his white sleeping t-shirt, slightly, adorably too big for him and… the youngest feels a strange fluttering in his chest when he realises that it’s his own old, t-shirt that he thought he’s lost some time ago. How did he never notice Jinyoung sleeps in his own t-shirt? He’s seen the older in that exact piece of clothing so many times. It really seems Yugyeom didn’t notice many things before…

‘I was about to.’ Jinyoung gestures to the large bed vaguely, probably slightly confused about the reason the younger is in his room so late at night. Yugyeom thinks the other looks awfully lonely in that big, empty bed for a moment and wants to join him in there like he did so many times before when they watched movies or just talked but he’s weirdly scared to do it now. He stays in place, nodding awkwardly when the other explains that he’s just been monitoring their latest performance.

‘I…’ A deep breath. ‘I…’

Jinyoung now looks slightly concerned as well as confused. ‘Is something wrong? Can’t you sleep?’ When Yugyeom shakes his head, the other tries again. ‘Are you nervous about the upcoming concert? You have a solo dance, you said the choreography is taking longer than expected…’

‘No.’ Yugyeom cuts him off abruptly, rudely - his nerves taking over him. Jinyoung raises his brows slightly but quiets down. ‘I mean… No, hyung, it’s not about any of that.’  

He hears Jinyoung sigh loudly. ‘Come here.’ Yugyeom obeys sitting at the edge of the bed, facing his hyung. ‘You can tell me whatever it is, you know.’ He encourages patiently, in that deep yet soft voice and Yugyeom calms down a bit.

‘Anything?’

‘Of course.’

In that soft, orange light his hyung looks so mature, so strong, so dependable. He’s been here for Yugyeom all this time, he is pretty sure he couldn’t do it without Jinyoung. Yugyeom risks looking for a bit longer at his face, from his big eyes down to his lips. He kept telling himself for weeks that he’s just simply curious of how the other would react if Yugyeom did something he shouldn’t; something that would cross those platonic barriers of their friendship that the maknae once thought were so strong.

He wondered if Jinyoung would push him away and protect his secret, would he hesitate… What would he do? Yet now all those questions that kept buzzing in his head for weeks are gone somehow and Yugyeom realises he didn’t even notice when he stopped being curious of those reactions and began just wonder what it would be like… How would it be to hold Jinyoung in his arms; how would it be to kiss him. It kind of scared him that he could imagine kissing Jinyoung so easily, that it didn’t seem that strange.

Maybe that was the turning point. He’s here now, he just couldn’t ignore it, he couldn’t go back to the relationship they had before. Only in the last hour or so of laying once again sleeplessly on his bed, he finally accepted that perhaps from the moment he’s heard the conversation between Jackson and Mark, he didn’t want to go back to how they were before. Surely, it took a lot of time and courage, but he’s decided that that afternoon something in him broke, something changed forever but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing like he initially thought.

Maybe he’s loved Jinyoung all this time too? Love…

‘I know, hyung. I’ve known for a while… I didn’t mean to find out, I…’ The words come out rushed, broken and Jinyoung looks even more confused now, so Yugyeom decides he’s had enough. He’s never really been good with words. He acts instead and in one, quick motion he’s straddling the older who looks at him with wide eyes.

Yugyeom closes his own eyes and without warning leans down and presses his lips firmly to the other’s warm, slightly open in surprise ones. It’s quick and seconds later the maknae pulls away a little just to see Jinyoung’s face and it’s better than he could imagine. Flushed pink cheeks and dark, wide eyes and shallow breath. He’s shocked and maybe a little nervous too.

‘I know.’ Yugyeom whispers and Jinyoung now understands what he’s trying to tell him and what he’s been trying to tell him before the kiss too. The younger leans back in to whisper reassuringly into Jinyoung’s ear. ‘I know and it’s okay, hyung. Don’t panic.’ It feels like the last sentence is meant for both of them.

Before Jinyoung can respond, the younger kisses him again and this time it feels kind of perfect. He came here with a ‘maybe’; not yet a ‘yes’ and definitely not a ‘no’ but the more he kisses his hyung, the more he wants to keep doing it and it seems his heart jumping impatiently in his chest has already decided for him.

Jinyoung doesn’t respond to the second kiss at first too, shocked and frozen but just when Yugyeom starts to pull away slowly, thinking maybe it’s too much and too suddenly for the other, Jinyoung grabs at his shirt and chases his lips before Yugyeom fully moves away, pressing harder against his mouth. He kisses the maknae like he it’s their last time, fast and passionate and hungry and so full of love that Yugyeom can only respond back with the same.

He really doesn’t want it to be their last kiss, he realises as he puts his arms around Jinyoung’s waist and pulls the other even closer. It seems to wake the older from his dream and he pulls away suddenly.

‘But… how?’ Jinyoung asks in between heavy breaths. ‘Nobody knows except…’ Yugyeom laughs shortly at the other’s angry face. ‘I’ll actually kill Mark.’

‘It’s not his fault. I was meant to be out with BamBam but had to get back to the dorm to get my wallet and overheard his and Jackson’s conversation by mistake.’ Yugyeom rubs comforting, calming circles on the other’s back.

‘Jackson knows too?!’ Yugyeom just laughs again when Jinyoung looks literally mad and sits up straighter on the bed, looking ready to go and murder Mark right this second.

‘Let Mark hyung have one last peaceful night, you can kill him tomorrow morning.’ The younger jokes lightly.

He knows they’ll have to tell the rest of the group about them soon anyway. Something like this cannot be kept from them and Yugyeom doesn’t even want to keep it from them. He’s slightly nervous even thinking about it right now but he knows somehow that they’ll be okay with it. He knows Mark and Jackson already are and he doubts BamBam, Youngjae and JB will be much different.

‘God, this is insane.’ Jinyoung just states suddenly looking up at Yugyeom who’s still comfortable on his lap. He seems overwhelmed and blushing, it’s such a beautiful sight really. The maknae still has so many questions to ask but it’ll all have to wait. Everything will have to wait until they both catch up with what now seems was between them already for a long time.

When did it all start and how? Probably neither could explain. Would they ever think that they’ll end up here, like this right now? Never and maybe that’s the best part because feelings are like that: changeable, unpredictable and impossible to ignore and sometimes so confusing that it takes time to figure them out.

It’s worth the effort, Yugyeom reckons, leaning down to kiss Jinyoung again to reassure him that it’ll all really be fine. He feels the older finally relax against him completely and trust him, let him take the lead, Jinyoung’s mind at ease. People usually remember their first kiss best but Yugyeom thinks this kiss, their third kiss is his favourite.

***Bonus***

Two days later, Yugyeom and Jinyoung are in the kitchen making breakfast. They decided to tell everyone about them today and they both feel so nervous. In the end the maknae has managed to convince the older not to kill Mark or Jackson but play a prank on them instead, so upon hearing the two older boys heading together for the kitchen before the others, the new couple gets ready.

Yugyeom is not sure he has the acting skills to pull it off, but he tries his best to be serious and not to burst into uncontrollable laughter, letting Jinyoung handle the rest.

‘Hey, guys.’ Jackson greets cheerfully. ‘Breakfast? Ah, I’m so hungry.’ The Chinese peeks into the pan where eggs are sizzling, feeling the kitchen with the most wonderful sound you could ever wish to hear so early in the morning.

‘Yes, it should be ready soon.’ Jinyoung answers softly. ‘Yugyeom-ah, pass me the salt.’

The younger pretends to look for it in various cupboards. ‘Where is it?’

The older huffs impatiently. ‘It’s right here. Why do I always have to do everything myself?’ he fakes annoyance and from the corner of his eye notices Mark and Jackson watching them silently.

‘I didn’t see it, okay? What do you want from me?’ Yugyeom raises his tone standing there.

‘Watch your language, I’m older than you. Pass me the plates too.’

Yugyeom takes out four plates and nearly drops them all to the floor, piling them onto the counter, clumsily, making a loud noise.

‘Aish… are you doing this on purpose to me right now?’ Jinyoung looks at him with fire in his eyes, trying his best to act well in front of the others. ‘Why did you get only four plates? There are seven people in this damn house! Hurry, the eggs will burn.’

‘Guys, guys, it’s okay. Take it slow. Youngjae hasn’t even woken up yet, you don’t need to rush…’ Jackson tries to help and gets three more plates, balancing them in his hands.

‘No, it’s not okay, he’s being a brat since the very morning again. Who do you think you are, huh?’ Jinyoung speaks harshly and goes to stand next to the younger close, the other backing out until he hits the counter behind him and can’t move anymore. ‘You just love making me mad, don’t you?’

‘So what if I do?’ Yugyeom challenges back, staring into the other’s eyes.

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Jinyoung grabs his neck roughly and crushes their lips together just like they planned before.

The loud clatter of three, perfectly nice dinner plates smashing against the floor resonates in the kitchen and the sound carries around the whole house. The couple gets startled a little but pretends not to and carries on kissing passionately.

‘What the-‘ Mark and Jackson mutter in unison and Yugyeom almost laughs into the kiss, hearing that.

‘What the hell is happening he-‘ JB’s voice dies suddenly and the boys finally separate to look around them. BamBam and JB are looking at them stunned, Mark is awfully pale on his face, leaning against a table for support and Jackson’s eyes are the widest they have ever seen, mouth open, white pieces of ceramic at his feet.

It’s silent and awkward for a moment but before anyone can say anything, a sleepy Youngjae enter the room, still in his pyjamas and his hair a mess. ‘Why you’re all being so loud?’ He then notices the smashed plates on the floor. ‘Hey! I bought these using my own money, so that we can eat like normal people for once in our lives. I can’t believe you guys!’ He sounds upset, shocked and disappointed all at once.

‘Well… there is something else you might not believe…’ BamBam begins, putting his arm around the vocalist’s shoulders.

‘What now?’ Youngjae asks, scared, expecting the worst.

What he hears is not the worst though. It’s shocking, yes but not worse. He thinks the loss of their beautiful dinner plates is far worse news than two guys being simply in love.

All of them sit down at the table, sharing four plates between them like the old times, eating much overcooked eggs and discussing what they just witnessed. It comes as a surprise – bigger to some like JB, BamBam and Youngjae; smaller to others like Mark and Jackson but nobody can deny that there was always something electric between them; something unexplainable.

‘I knew it.’ Jackson mutters under his breath, smiling at Mark who’s sitting next to him. Mark’s eyes are shining, his own small smile playing at his lips when he looks at the couple on the other side of the table.

 

_Jinyoung was so scared for Yugyeom to ever find out about his feelings. Now he’s even more scared but for an entirely different reason: things will be changing now but he can’t see it as a bad thing no matter how much he tries. It’s a scary thing but not a bad thing. In the end, it’s just love and it’s not like it’s the only thing they keep away from their fans being idols and maybe…Just maybe one day they won’t have to anymore._


	6. Hate Me, I Still Love You (Story 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, remember this old podcast with Yugyeom and Jinyoung ('Junior' still back then)? Yugyeom said to Jinyoung near the end: 'No matter how much he hates me, I still love him.' Imagine that Yugyeom actually left after saying that and that's how the podcast ended...
> 
> Enjoy! x

 

Yugyeom comes into his own, now empty room at the end of the day. He's kind of exhausted but he’s had times when he felt even worse and today is not that day.  He's thinking of just listening to some music and then going to shower.

It's just him, Jinyoung and Jackson right now in the house but the rapper is currently getting ready to leave as well. Yugyeom knocks softly on Jinyoung's door. He waits for a reply like "Come in." or "Get lost." depending on the elder's mood, so he's surprised when he doesn't get any for a while then when he knocks again an annoyed Jinyoung opens the door quickly.

Without saying a word, he goes back to sitting on his bed, cross-legged, picking up his phone from where its laying next to him on top of the white covers. Yugyeom hesitates at first but then enters and closes the door behind him quietly knowing the older doesn't like when he leaves it open.

'Hyung? Can I have my headphones back?'

Jinyoung looks at him for a long moment with unreadable expression. He seems annoyed and tired and the maknae suddenly feels awkward standing there. It’s clear the shorter boy is not in a good mood today.

Jinyoung huffs but gets off the bed and pulls out white headphones he borrowed earlier from his bag, handing them to Yugyeom.

The youngest narrows his eyes at the other's behaviour, curious. 'Is something wrong?'

Jinyoung looks at him even longer than before and it seems like he’s about to say something but, in the end, he just shakes his head. Yugyeom is not convinced at all and he opens his mouth to ask but the other suddenly explodes.

'How could you just say that and leave?! Do you realise how it makes me look in front of everyone? Our fans?' He speaks fast, brown, serious eyes never leaving Yugyeom's.

'Sorry?' the younger just asks, confused.

'The podcast. You said that no matter how much I hate you, you'll still love me and just left. Do you realise how I might seem to other people if you say that?'

Yugyeom recalls the podcast. He said it as a joke of course. What he said was only partially true; he and everyone else knows Jinyoung doesn’t hate him and as for Yugyeom loving Jinyoung… Well. That’s a longer story.

Their fans know they joke like this. Why is he so mad this time? 'Our fans... It's just how we are, everyone knows I'm joking, hyung. I... ' he finds himself at a loss of what to say seeing how serious the other is about it.

'Well, I know but...' Jinyoung sighs and doesn't finish his thought.

Maybe he took it too directly, maybe he's worried some fans will misunderstand, Yugyeom reasons in his own mind, silently.

'I'm sorry. If you want, I can go to the editing team and ask them to remove that part... There shouldn't be a problem.' he offers, speaking softly and quietly but Jinyoung shakes his head.

'It's not about that... It's just that it looked like you meant it so sincerely, the way you looked at me when you said it.' The other explains and Yugyeom feels his cheeks become red and his heart pick up pace. 'Do you really think I hate you?' Yugyeom releases a tiny relieved breath that Jinyoung picked on this part of what he said not the other.

'No, of course not. I... I know you don't. It was a joke.'

They’re still standing in the middle of the room but now the older is looking down to the floor, avoiding Yugyeom’s eyes. 'That's why I'm so confused. It was a joke, yet it also seemed like you wanted to tell me something through that sentence...’ Jinyoung thinks for a moment, scrunching his brows a little and the maknae is suddenly glad he’s not looking at him. It’s too dangerous; Jinyoung is unknowingly getting too close to something Yugyeom is not willing to confess yet. ‘Do I tease you too much sometimes? Am I being a bit too mean? You can tell me you know. I'll be nicer to you if it gets on your nerves.'

'No.' The younger cuts him off and after a moment regrets it because it would be easier to say yes. To lie that this is what he meant and that he would appreciate if Jinyoung stops himself from teasing him sometimes but Yugyeom is too honest for his own good and the truth leaves his lips before his brain can catch up. Because the truth is Jinyoung got it all wrong. 'That's not it at all. There is a reason for why I said it like that, but this is really not it. I... It doesn't matter anyway.' He panics. He waves the set of headphones in his hand in front of the other's face quickly. 'Thanks, hyung. I'll go now.'

He barely makes it to the door when Jinyoung grabs him and makes him stop forcefully. The older pushes him back so that Yugyeom hits the wall behind him and a tiny gasp leaves his lips. His heart jumps in his chest and he feels kind of trapped.

'It does matter. I know there is something.'

Yugyeom avoids his eyes which he can feel are staring intently at him, burning him on the spot. He's afraid to look up.

'This is starting to really annoy me now, Yugyeom-ah and you know I don’t like unclear situations, so I won’t let it go.’ Jinyoung raises his voice, his hometown accent changing the sound of his words like it always happens when he’s angry. Even now when Yugyeom’s nervous and scared he has admit he loves this angry, accented voice from his hyung. Then again, he loves everything about him. He hesitantly looks up at the other boy. 'Just say it!'

'I fucking love you! And I'll keep loving you! That's what I was serious about! Not the part about you hating me because I know you don’t but the other part of the sentence you so conveniently ignored.’ His voice drops lower with each sentence. 'I'm in love with you hyung and I always will be even if you do really hate me, which even if you didn’t before, you now will for sure. Now that you know. Now that you realise who I am, and you inevitably begin to despise me.’ The last sentence Yugyeom barely whispers, unable to hold back, letting the frustrations and emotions he kept to himself, out.

Yugyeom is looking at the floor again. He's ready for the other to push him away though, to be disgusted by him. 'I'm in love with a guy and my own group member. Just say what you want to say - that I'm disgusting, and you want nothing to do with me anymore.'

He can’t help it. It’s like the last, fragile barrier inside his heart has broken down and he can’t stop the words that spill out from his mouth. Jinyoung lets go of him slowly when it becomes quiet between them. Yugyeom closes his eyes, ready to be sworn at. Waiting for the storm to break out, to cut the heavy tension in the air.

'You're fucked up, you know?!' Jinyoung’s heavy accent hits him again. Yugyeom holds his breath, here it is.

'You're so fucking stupid! How dare you say that!' He expected Jinyoung to be mad, to hate him, to push him away. He expected harsh words, but he didn't expect to feel a burning slap of the other’s flat palm on his cheek. It stings and Yugyeom finally looks up at his hyung.

Jinyoung’s stare is strong, eyes wide, barely blinking and Yugyeom still says nothing. Scared that it may be the last time Jinyoung ever looks him directly in his eyes like that, he wants to remember it, lock it in his memory.

He's hopeless like that. He's in love like that.

'How dare you assume such things about me? We've known each other for fucking years Yugyeom!' The younger wakes up from his haze, leaning heavily on the wall behind him and grows confused. Is Jinyoung not mad or disguised at him for confessing? Is he angry because of Yugyeom’s assumptions? 'Even if I didn’t return your feelings, you think I would be disgusted with you?' The voice is still so harsh. Yugyeom doesn’t know what to say. Now he feels guilty for saying all those things but it’s not his fault that in that moment he couldn’t control himself and all his fears and insecurities came flooding out.

In all the overwhelming emotions the younger stands frozen, looking away from Jinyoung.

'Baselessly assuming I’m a fucking homophobe just like that? That I wouldn’t want anything to do with you after you tell me this?' Yugyeom opens his mouth to reply something, to say anything to defend himself but his mind is empty and as soon as he opens his mouth to speak hesitantly, Jinyoung lifts his hand again and slaps him on the same still sore and red cheek. It hurts more the second time; the skin was still tingling unpleasantly from the first hit and now it’s like someone’s constantly prickling his left cheek with needles. He deserves it he guesses. He accepts it silently.

Jinyoung storms out of the room leaving the other stunned and in pain.

He shouldn’t made judgements about Jinyoung. He knew or at least suspected from the other’s behaviour that the older is open-minded and accepting of different sexualities even if he didn’t ever voice it directly. The wrong assumptions came from the fact that Yugyeom didn’t yet accept himself and his love towards the other and the weight of it all has kind of crushed him.

Yugyeom slides down the wall to sit against it with his back and head resting on it tiredly. He goes over everything the other has said in his head, realising he should probably find the older later and apologize. He hopes his hyung forgives him. At least he accepts him as he is even if he doesn't seem to be returning Yugyeom's feelings. That’s already more than the maknae could ever expect and it calms his fast-beating heart.

Wait... Didn’t Jinyoung say…?

Not allowing him the time to ponder or even close his slightly open in shock mouth, the door opens one second and slams closed again the next, Jinyoung storming back inside.

Without warning he sits on Yugyeom’s lap on the floor facing the maknae and leans down quickly to kiss him on the lips forcefully. In the shock, Yugyeom only manages to close his eyes but his mouth is frozen against the others hot, soft lips.

Jinyoung pulls away suddenly after a moment. 'Well, aren’t you going to kiss me back? Since apparently you love me and all?' There is nervousness and slight fear in the other’s eyes with the addition of just genuine curiosity.

'I...' Yugyeom rests his hands on the other’s thighs in comfort, releasing a small breathy laugh. 'Hyung, in the past twenty minutes I confessed to you and wrongly assumed you would hate me for it, then you slapped me twice and confessed you like me back which I didn’t realise until literally the second you walked back into the room and now you’re kissing me like the world is about to end. I… just need a moment.'

Jinyoung listens at first but then rolls his eyes. ‘Okay, let me recap for you. You love me, and I love you too and I’m not a homophobe and I’m still a bit upset about the fact you’ll ever think that way about me so I’m not sorry for slapping you because you kind of deserve it... so, can we make out now?' Yugyeom laughs happily, feeling a bit of the tension leaving his body.

He pulls Jinyoung closer. 'Why so eager?'

‘I’ve waited long enough.'

‘I would argue about who has indeed waited longer but there are better things to do now.' It’s true they argued and bickered long enough in the past. This time Yugyeom leans in taking the other’s face in his hands, long slender fingers carefully cradling the sharp jaw.

They kiss slower this time but soon enough Yugyeom can’t resist pushing it further, because despite the shock in the first kiss he loved the pressure and passion from Jinyoung. he can’t lie that he loves how dominant Jinyoung is, how he knows how to do everything so damn well even in such an area as kissing. At some point Yugyeom moves his hands to rest them around Jinyoung’s neck like he always imagined doing, like he dared to sometimes daydream completely inappropriately in the middle of a dinner or while getting ready for a performance. It’s not the maknae’s fault his hyung always looks so good no matter what he does and where he is.

When they pull away, Jinyoung seems so pleasured, so beautiful like that, out of breath and those perfectly shaped lips now so bright pink. His eyes are almost half closed and Yugyeom can’t help but stare at him.

'What?'

‘Nothing. I just… I’ve never seen you look like that.' Jinyoung blinks in surprise but soon accepts the honest words and even smiles shyly. He doesn’t reject it and the maknae thinks maybe there is a different side to his hyung that he’ll now get to know. A different side just for him and nobody else. He likes that.

‘There’s something else.' Jinyoung states simply, a little bit intrigued maybe, watching his dongsaeng’s expression and Yugyeom shouldn’t really be surprised at how well the other knows him.

‘There is. Maybe I will tell you about it sometime.' Jinyoung sighs at the answer he gets but doesn’t press it on this time, instead just leans in again for another quicker kiss and another, this one longer until they're making out again, still sitting on the hard floor, against the wall of Jinyoung’s small room. The forgotten set of white headphones faithfully beside Yugyeom, tangled and abandoned.

The shorter vocalist pulls away with what Yugyeom suspects is a deliberately loud smack of lips which’s purpose is to drive the taller actually insane. This time Jinyoung looks even more - for a lack of a better expression - fucked out and it's so erotic that Yugyeom involuntarily grips his shoulders tighter where he holds him and looks away to stop his mind from imagining certain things that he was sometimes so ashamed of thinking but couldn’t help himself because Jinyoung just does that to him. He’s too embarrassed to tell his hyung all those thoughts he’s had about him over the years right now though and there is a lot to tell… Yet when Jinyoung’s expression looks so sensual and he’s all breathless like that in front of Yugyeom, he can’t help remembering a few fantasies he’s had.

Maybe sometime later, preferably when they can be sure their group members won’t come back home at any random moment, he'll whisper those thought to the elder. Tell him exactly what Jinyoung does to him. Tell him all the details and watch his beloved hyung come undone underneath him.

He’ll look forward to that.


	7. Delight in Dancing (Story 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is something completely different and I honestly don't know but it's a modern Greek myhology AU I guess. I just thought Yugyeom is too talented for this world haha. Also Jinyoung is a bit oout of character in this but it's AU so I hope that's fine.
> 
> Thx and Enjoy! xx

 

I rush home to meet my boyfriend who’s just come back from staying at his parent’s house in Jinhae. I’ve missed him and the morning coffee he always made before I even woke up and the warmth of his body in my arms at night.

I stop by a shop to pick up some flowers for him. Pink roses are the prettiest I think, so I buy him a bouquet of those without thinking much about it. A little breathless and excited I enter the huge house and call out his name as soon as I close the door behind me.

‘Jinyoung!’

There is no answer for a moment, the house seems awfully quiet too. Did he not arrive yet? I sent someone to pick him up an hour ago. Then I notice the suitcase in the living room. He’s here but where?

‘Jinyoung-hyung?!’ I call out again.

‘Here!’ he finally answers, and I head to where the voice came from, which turns out to be the kitchen.

There he is. Sitting on the floor for whatever reason, a thick book in his lap and a full cup of coffee on the dinner table, which turns out to be completely cold. He doesn’t even look up from that big book at first, immersed until I crouch down directly next to him.

‘Yugyeom-ah, you won’t believe what little gem I found in my old room at my parent’s!’ He finally looks up at me and his eyes are shining. I’ve seen him enjoy a good book countless times before but not as much as this.

‘Hello, babe. I’ve missed you too.’ I answer bitterly.

He rolls his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’ He leans up, supporting himself with one hand on the cold marble floor. Jinyoung gives me a quick kiss on the lips and goes back to admiring the book like it’s the most precious thing ever. I sigh but smile at his adorableness.

‘So, what is this book?’

‘Oh, it’s a book I bought for my classics studies in college, but I only read about the Greek gods the most because that was the most interesting. I’ve never even finished that part though because there was too much and then I dropped the subject for accounting the next semester. I found it yesterday and I’ve been reading on the train back home.’ He explains. I smile. He’s always liked Greek myths and forced me to watch all the movies based on those stories along with him. Some were really great while some were slightly weird and others confusing at best.

‘Ah, I’m glad you had something fun to do on the long journey but maybe you should put it down for now and eat something, you must be hungry.’ I suggest trying to get his attention away from the book.

He just nods, not tearing his eyes away from it. I lean down to kiss his forehead lovingly and stand up to heat up some food from the fridge for both of us.

Jinyoung joins me at the stove only when the smell of food fills the entire kitchen. He puts his arms around my waist and I smile.

‘Sorry I didn’t greet you properly, I just got so excited about the book and you know that I have few more days off, so I can actually finish reading until the end this time.’ Jinyoung sounds apologetic. I turn around in his arms and he smiles beautifully at me. ‘I missed you.’ He adds slowly then kisses me softly on the lips for a long time until we finally separate, the sound of food sizzling loudly distracting us.

‘I missed you too, hyung.’

I quickly switch off the stove and pull out plates from the cupboard. We eat in comfortable silence at first then Jinyoung talks about his trip and how his parents are and about how his newly married sister is spending the best time with her husband in an apartment by the beach in France.

When I’m washing the dishes in the sink later and Jinyoung makes us both coffee, I remember the flowers I bought for him and left on the table in the hallway when I thought he might not be home yet.

I run to get them and present them to the other with a smile. ‘Those are for you.’

‘Aw, you always get me flowers. My baby.’ Jinyoung’s eyes shine and he stands on his tiptoes and places the sweetest kiss on my lips. It’s so warm, I missed his warmth so much.

When he pulls away, he grabs a vase and fills it with water putting the bouquet inside. He looks at the flowers for a long moment. ‘They’re beautiful.’ He touches them lightly with his fingertips but then his expression changes a little and he bites his lip like always does when he’s thinking deeply about something. ‘Nine roses? Why nine?’ He asks.

I think about it for a moment, slightly confused. ‘I always get you nine.’ He nods slowly at my answer. ’It just seems like a good number somehow, I don’t really know.’ I shrug my shoulders. ‘Why?’

‘No, nothing. Just curious.’ He puts the flowers in the middle of the table and comes closer to me, putting his arms around my neck. ‘How was it at the dance school today?’

‘Busy. As always.’ I sigh. ‘The performance is coming up soon, and everyone is on edge and to add to that there are those open auditions… There are so many talented kids, how am I allowed to choose only ten best you know? And even those that aren’t so talented, how do I tell them they just aren’t good enough?’

‘It must be difficult.’ Jinyoung sympathises genuinely. ‘Sometimes I’m glad I’m a simple accountant.’ He tries to lighten the atmosphere.

‘You’re all but a simple accountant, Jinyoung.’ I state confidently, and he smiles a tiny smile. It’s true. He’s the most extraordinary accountant I know. Bright and a little impatient, sweet, loving, smart and supportive. A little eccentric and introverted at the same time. He’s perfect.

‘But seriously, I trust you’ll make the right decision about who to choose. You can see the potential in those kids best. It’s not for nothing that you’re named the best and youngest dancer and choreographer in this country and widely recognized overseas. I can’t believe I’m with someone so talented.’ I blush, looking away from his face.

‘Ah, stop. I’m not that good.’

‘You are. The whole world knows it.’ Jinyoung puts his hand on my cheek and makes me look at him. ‘You’re so pretty when you blush from embarrassment too.’ I can’t help but laugh and pull the older closer to my chest.

***

As expected, he’s glued to that book for the next two days. He’s even making some sort of notes on a piece of paper, but he refuses to tell me what it’s about, claiming it won’t interest me much. I’m even half-tempted to open the book when he’s not reading it and check what exactly is written there about those Greek gods and if it’s really as interesting as he claims but I decide against it. He’ll finish reading soon enough and put it on the bookshelf along with the rest of his precious possessions.

I come out of the shower, practicing a song I’m to sing at a party for the Minister of Finance’s party with other important people next week. I let the notes out freely, my throat in a really good condition lately and I notice Jinyoung look up at me from the book. He’s sitting casually on the bed and yet again he’s writing something down.

‘You haven’t finished reading it yet?’ I ask lightly when it’s been four days already since he got it.

‘I did but I’m actually going back to something I found earlier.’ I look at him with narrowed eyes.

‘It’s not enough to read just once?’

He shakes his head and looks at me for a long time, running his eyes from my face down to my naked chest up to the towel around my hips then back to my face. The older picks up his pen again and scribbles down something more.

When I lay down next to him on the bed, he shuts the book hurriedly with the piece of paper and pen still inside it and puts it away on the bed side table. He’s acting a bit strange I think, but I don’t ask. It’s been a long day. I sigh tiredly checking emails on my phone.

‘Yugyeom-ah?’

‘Yes, babe?’

‘I think you’re Terpsichore.’

My eyes snap up from my phone screen to my boyfriend. I stay silent for a few long seconds then open my mouth and close it again a few times like a fish out of water, Jinyoung watching me expectantly, waiting for my response.

‘I’m a what?’ I choke out finally, eyes wide.

Jinyoung rolls his eyes and sits up straighter on the bed. ‘It’s not the time for dumb Harry Potter references, I’m serious. I think you’re Terpsichore, the Greek goddess of dancing, one of the Nine Muses.’

‘Yeah, I know who Terpsichore is but… what?’

‘I read about it in my book and everything matches perfectly. You’re like the best dancer ever, inspiring those young people that come to your classes and you have the most famous dance school in the whole of Asia. You sing so beautifully, everyone was in tears when you sang at my sister’s wedding. You play instruments so well, like you can even play the lyre! The freaking lyre, Yugyeom. That’s like her main attribute!’ Jinyoung rumbles on excitedly and my throat becomes a little dry listening to him list all those things in a higher voice as if he’s figured out the biggest secret of the universe.

‘Jinyoung.’ I voice a small, breathy laugh, overwhelmed. ‘I bought the lyre for fun and it’s not actually as difficult to play it as you think, really.’ I put my index finger to my lips when he’s about to interrupt me. ‘I know you think I’m an excellent dancer and singer but saying I’m a Greek goddess from a myth that isn’t real is going a bit far.’ I state calmly and Jinyoung looks down at his hands, away from my eyes.

‘But… I…’ he starts. He’s clearly upset about my reaction but what did he expect me to say?

‘Really, I appreciate you think I’m so talented as to compare me to someone like that, sweetheart but I think you just read a bit too much into what’s written in that book.’

Jinyoung just lies down, facing away from me, sulky. ‘You know, I’m not just saying that randomly. I’ve researched a lot.’ He mutters under his breath.

‘I’m sure but c’mon now, you’re not actually serious about this, right?’ I put my hand on his shoulder and laugh a little at his childish behaviour.

‘No, of course I’m not serious, I just said that for no reason. You’re right. I’m sorry for making an unnecessary fuss. Let’s just sleep.’ Jinyoung says in a voice that screams: _I’m mad at you, so I’ll pretend to agree with you but it’s clear I’m upset and don’t want to even talk to you right now._ That’s so Jinyoung sometimes.

I lean down and kiss his naked shoulder where his loose t-shirt has exposed it, my lips lingering for three seconds longer. ‘Please, don’t be angry at me.’ No response. ‘Goodnight, hyungie.’ I move to my place on the bed and cover myself with the blanket, switching off the lamp.

‘Goodnight, Gyeomie.’ Comes a low response after a few seconds. Thankfully, he’s not _that_ upset.

I think for a moment then add: ‘Sleep well, my Apollo.’ I smile into the darkness, looking to my side where Jinyoung is still laying on the bed facing away from me.

The older huffs unhappily. ‘Now you’re just mocking me.’

I smile even wider.

***

‘So, I’ve been thinking…’ I look up at Jinyoung who’s abandoned the breakfast in front of him and is looking at the pink roses on the table, slightly withered now. ‘You get me nine flowers every time, you have a nine in your email address, we live at number nine…’

I sigh after swallowing the bite of French toast in my mouth. ‘Jinyoung, I thought we discussed it last night.’

‘Well, _you_ discussed it last night not _we_.’

I put down the cutlery in my hands and lock eyes with my boyfriend. ‘Okay, so just because I happen to like that number, you think that means I’m one of the Muses because there were nine of them.’ I state calmly not to make him upset again.

He clears his throat. After a moment of silence, he shakes his head. ‘Not exactly. Well, you might think you like that number because you are surrounded with it all the time and the reason you’re surrounded with it is because it’s… it’s like destiny, it’s like you are subconsciously drawn to that number.’ Jinyoung searches for any agreement in my eyes but I stay silent, so he tries again. ‘I know you think I’ve gone crazy but how can you know you’re _not_ Terpsichore for sure? It’s possible you just don’t know that you are.’

‘Fine, maybe.’ I finally nod a little.

‘See? You can’t prove it’s impossible, therefore my point stands.’ The older seems satisfied. ‘And you know, it’s not like you are actually the Muse herself because she was a female and you are very much a male, that I have experienced with a great pleasure many a time…’ I look down at my hands at that comment; despite being in a relationship for a long time now I still blush hearing it. ‘I’m talking more of like… a modern incarnation of her abilities and power.’

‘Well, there is no way to prove it anyway so, if it makes you happy then you can think of me this way.’ I bite into my almost cold toast again. ‘Even if it’s ridiculous in the first place.’

‘You say that but actually…’ Jinyoung starts and his voice tone suggests trouble. ‘Maybe it’s possible to find out. I’ve seen something interesting online…’

‘Jinyoung, babe.’ I interrupt him. ‘Remember what happened last time you told me you’ve seen something interesting online?’ Jinyoung looks down in shame. ‘For my birthday you bought me what you thought was a back massager but turned out to be a… completely different type of massager.’

The other nods hastily.

‘Okay, okay. I’m not the best at online shopping but it was half price, so I just bought it quickly without having read the description properly.’ Jinyoung defends himself. ‘Thank God I didn’t get one for my mother. Both your and her birthdays are quite close, and she always complains of back pain, so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.’

I choke on my coffee. ‘What? You never told me this.’

‘That day I was already ashamed as it was, didn’t need adding to the humiliation.’ Jinyoung plays with his food, avoiding my eyes.

I recall my last birthday with a smile. ‘It was shocking at first but quite funny in the end though.’

‘To you and me it was.’ The older bites his lip nervously at the memory. ‘I don’t think my mother’s reaction would have been quite the same.’ After a moment of thought, his face turns to a horrified expression. ‘And to think I was this close to having it gift-wrapped and sent directly to her house…’

I press my mouth into a thin line, trying not to imagine her shock at the unexpected present. I doubt that Jinyoung and by extension I, would ever be allowed to come visit again.

‘But we’re getting off topic, so what I’ve seen online was a really weird forum –‘

I interrupt him again. ‘I would love to know what you read there but I need to leave for the dance studio now.’ I get up suddenly and his shoulders drop, disappointed look forming on his face. ‘How about you show me when I come back, huh?’ I come around to give him a quick kiss on the lips, smiling apologetically.

He nods and kisses back lightly before I pull away. ‘Have a nice day at the studio. Come back safely.’

I nod at his caring words. ‘And you enjoy you last day off work, hyung.’

Jinyoung nods in response again, unreadable expression on his face. I notice I leave the house much earlier than normally. Once I’m a decent distance away from the house I stop for a while, taking a deep breath and running my hands through my messy hair.

***

After work, I decide to stay in my office. I take out my phone and dial a familiar number. After two rings a bright _hello_ greets me from the other side.

‘Dad? Hi.’

‘Yugyeom. You haven’t called in a while. Your mother is always complaining you don’t visit or even call, I was almost surprised to see your name on the screen.’

I lean back in my leather chair, loosening the black tie around my neck that was suffocating me all day long.

‘I’m sorry. You know I’m so busy, especially now…’

‘Oh yes, I’ve seen you on TV the other day. I might not say it enough but I’m so proud of you son, we both are.’

I smile a little even though he can’t see. ‘Thank you, dad.’ After a moment of silence, I sigh loudly into the device.

‘Yugyeom? Is everything okay?’

‘Yeah, it’s just… It’s about Jinyoung.’

‘Jinyoung? What happened? Is he okay?’ my father sounds worried.

‘Yes, he’s fine, it’s just…’ I take a moment to think about how to explain but then I feel the beginning of a headache tugging at my temples and I just blurt it out instead. ‘Dad, I don’t know what to do. Jinyoung knows.’

‘Knows? About what?’

I still don’t believe I’m saying it. Something I’ve been trying to move on from for many years and forget, now is surfacing, and it shouldn’t really mean that much but it’s still annoying at best.

‘He knows, well… suspects but with his usual stubbornness and certainty that I’m Terpsichore.’

After a short moment. ‘He’s not wrong. You are.’

I close my eyes, suddenly so tired. ‘You’re not helping, Dad.’

Ah, sorry.’ Dad clears his throat like he always does when he gets serious. ‘What was your reaction? When he said that?’

‘What do you think it was? I denied everything, laughed at him for coming up with such an absurd idea and mocked him. This morning when he brought it up again, I made up a bad excuse and ran.’

‘Wow, some boyfriend you are.’ Dad’s back to his light tone. I should know this man can’t get serious for more than two seconds at a time.

‘So, what do you think I should have told him? _Yes, baby that’s all true, your boyfriend is a modern personification of a Greek goddess and I’m sorry I kept that from you for three years. Please, don’t tell anyone that you know this, otherwise you and I are both fucked?’_

‘Language.’ He scolds but I just roll my eyes. ‘No but… you could have explained it to him slowly somehow. You know it’s not like it’s actually that big of a deal really, it just has that scary sound to it: a modern personification of a mythological goddess.’ I hear dad take a long breath. ‘Remember when you were fourteen, right after you won that big dancing competition and two men in black suits knocked on our door, saying that straight to our faces? I laughed at them, your mother fainted and nearly broke her wrist and you just asked what _personification_ meant…’

I smile at the memory bitterly now but back then it was all so confusing, weird and scary.

‘Then they just took your blood to test and when results came, they asked us all to keep a secret, having us sign some documents. It’s not such a big deal, normal life goes on. It’s not like you’re some actual goddess, nor you have any superpowers, you’re just extremely talented in all the areas Terpsichore was skilled in and apparently got some of her personality traits. It’s not scary.’

‘So, you think I should just tell him?’

‘It doesn’t sound like you want to.’

‘I don’t because it really doesn’t change anything. All this time I’ve been trying to forget about it because it really doesn’t make any difference to my life. I love dancing and singing and I’m good at it. That’s just it. And I love Jinyoung, so I don’t want to burden him with a secret that’s not his to keep.’ I play a simple melody, hitting my fingers against the desk; it calms me down a little.

‘Well, just see how it goes. Maybe Jinyoung will soon forget it too if you keep denying it and it’ll go back to normal. If not and you decide to tell him, there are the documents still in our safe, I can get them for you – maybe showing them to him will be a better way to explain it.’

Dad’s right, I decide. When he’s serious he can really be helpful. We soon hang up but not before promising that I’ll visit my parents soon.

***

When I enter the house, a delicious smell greets me first. I realise I’m so hungry. I follow the smell to the kitchen and Jinyoung in an apron is there waiting for me.

‘Hi.’ We kiss briefly but Jinyoung pulls me in again after we separate, so slightly surprised but pleasantly so, I wrap my arms tightly around him and melt into the long, sweet kiss.

‘I’ve missed you.’ Is the only explanation he gives me a moment later, turning back to the stove and stirring something in a pot.

‘And I have something to tell you…’ Jinyoung begins and I suspect it has something to do with the forum he was talking about this morning, so I decide maybe it’s better to just tell him now. There probably won’t be a better opportunity anyway.

‘I also wanted to tell you something important.’ I start awkwardly.

Jinyoung looks up at me again. ‘Oh, really? Can I say mine first though? It’s a really short thing and I feel yours might be more important.’

I nod.

‘So… I know I’ve been really annoying lately and it’s just that book that made me think too much and I guess I read too much online as well. Truth is you can probably find something about everything in there which still doesn’t mean that absolutely everything is real.’ He speaks softly and I listen without a word. My heart races a bit at the realisation of what he’s trying to say. ‘So, I’m sorry. For saying stupid things. I really don’t know why it came to my head and why I’ve been so hooked up on proving you’re a character from mythology… Like I’ve thought about it a lot today and the more I thought the dumber it sounded even to me.’ Jinyoung reaches out and holds my hand. ‘I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.’

That’s what I wanted to hear and hoped to hear since last night but now it makes everything complicated. Now it feels like I can’t tell him the truth. I was ready to say it. I had it all figured out in my head.

I just smile a little. ‘I wasn’t annoyed with you, I just… Anyway, thank you. Thank you for letting it go and loving me as I am.’ I didn’t really mean to say the last bit. It was sincere but maybe sounded a bit strange.

‘I love everything that is you and maybe all those silly thoughts just came from the fact you’re so good at what you do that sometimes it feels unbelievable and out of this world.’ Jinyoung admits and looks at me for a long time.

‘I love you.’ I pull him into a hug.

‘I love you too, very much.’

I sigh, closing my eyes. I wanted to tell him the truth but it’s better this way, I guess. I am who I am, real and our love is real too. It doesn’t need any messing up with things that don’t really matter that much anyway.

***Two years later***

It’s a secret I’m keeping and I’m keeping it away from a man I promised not to keep secrets from.

I adjust my tie in front of the mirror and try to fix my black suit although it’s perfect already but it’s just nerves controlling my fingers, I guess.

I glance impatiently at the clock on the wall. Where is he? He’s supposed to be back now.

Just as I’m thinking about it, my father rushes into the room, shirt slightly askew and breathless, holding the dreaded stack of papers in his hands.

‘I can’t believe you made me run to get those an hour before you’re getting married.’

‘Dad, finally.’ I reply, relieved, taking the documents from him, scanning the old, yellowish pages.

‘You’re really going to tell him? You once said it doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t change anything?’

I nod seriously. ‘I still think it doesn’t, but I promised him no secrets. I can’t marry him today with this constantly on my mind.’

I’m scared, so scared. What if it does change things for him? I was selfish thinking only about my own point of view. What if he doesn’t want to marry me after hearing this? I begin to panic.

‘It’ll be alright. He loves you.’ My dad puts his arm around my shoulders in comfort. ‘Go, there isn’t much time. You’re getting married today, son.’

I grit my teeth and nod strongly. I walk out of the room and cross the narrow hallway. I knock on the door to Jinyoung’s room and he opens it seconds later looking so handsome, his eyes shining and his hands shaking slightly in worry and anticipation.

‘Yugyeomie, we’re not supposed to see each other before the ceremony.’ He states becoming confused as to why I’m here.

‘I know, I’m sorry but I really need you to know something before you say yes to me today.’

The older blinks a couple of times and it’s clear he’s becoming even more nervous hearing those words come out of my mouth. Nobody wants to hear from their fiancé that _there is something they must know_ an hour before getting married.

Jinyoung takes a deep breath but nods, gesturing for me to come into the luckily empty room.

***

_Long story short, I’ve told Jinyoung who I really am and he… fainted. Our ceremony got slightly delayed but when he woke up he still remembered what I said, and I showed him the documents and explained everything slowly from the very beginning._

_A lot happened after that which included some screaming, some crying, some hysterical laughter and some passionate kissing and reassuring that it really doesn’t change anything. In that exact order._

_The most important part is that Jinyoung, although still slightly pale on the face, was waiting for me at the altar a little later and said yes to becoming my husband._

_And now we’re married. And since that day he has written his own novel like he’s always wanted to do and although he’s still working as an accountant he’s thinking of giving it up to become full-time writer._

_And the fact I’m a personification of Terpsichore or the fact that he knows about it really didn’t change anything._

_Well… maybe except one thing. Now whenever Jinyoung gets asked about the inspiration behind his book during interviews, he always answers with a twinkle in his eye: “My husband. He’s my Muse.”_


End file.
